Our pastor coached us in our premarital counseling that date night is important to the happiness of a marriage! Lillian likes it when I plan the date and arrange everything, and prefers to not know where we’re going. Every woman wants to be swept off her feet or pursued after and not have to do all the grunt work for date night.

Let’s just get fundamental here. In our age in which men and women are considered equal in all regards, modern people might say it’s sexist to expect the man to pursue the woman and the woman to be pursued throughout marriage. We’re really in an age of gender equality. Part of my resistance to date night is a built-in inertia of modernity in my mind. We’re supposed to be equals, why should I take the lead, right?

However, I understand Lillian’s desire. From a traditionalist perspective a woman likes to feel cherished whereas a man wants to feel respected and admired. If you look the way couples have functioned throughout history, you can find this pattern in the natural order of things. So I have to be really conscientious about making her feel cherished and beloved. Another foundational element of marriage is that love isn’t given by one spouse to another because they’ve earned it. That leads to disappointment, decline and ultimately fragmentation.

In her family Lillian oftentimes felt that love had to be earned, whether to receive it or give it. That just doesn’t work in marriage, so it took many years of un-learning! Our first two years of marriage were really, really difficult at times. We often were up until 2 or 3 in the morning arguing over something. One of the big difficulties for me is that Lillian wants to be loved by me every day. I tend to approach love as though it can be stored it up. Say suppose I blow a thousand dollars or something on one date and then the next day not show a great deal of love–that’s a problem.

So we want to give you guys just five tips; these are for me as much as for you, since I know I fail to be deliberate in making her feel cherished.

1. Commit to a regular time. You need to commit to something regularly and it can be once a week, it can be twice a week, it could be once a month, it could be once every several months, whatever; it depends on what you guys feel like you need.

2. Plan Ahead. What we do is date on a weekly basis. I make reservations at a restaurant or organize a movie or something like that. Start the week by planning the location, the babysitter, the budget, etc.: make sure you plan ahead.

3. Be Present. I try to empty my mind of all of the considerations of work, family, philosophy, or politics and ensure that this slot is completely dedicated to her and to thinking about her. Leave mobile phones in pockets. It’s got to be a time that’s completely dedicated to each other, almost like meditative time on each other. This means you need to focus, have undivided attention on each other.

4. Be flexible. If things change and you need to change the venue last-minute, the point of date night isn’t going to that particular restaurant or watching that particular movie. The point is to spend time together so you guys need to learn to be flexible on your date nights.

5. Evaluate. After you’ve been doing it a couple times, you need to determine if it’s “working”. Do you need to change things up? Re-evaluate, don’t think just because I followed the checklist that you’re all set. Tailor the list to your needs.